I had a period in my life when I questioned, partially based on my history and behavior, if I really did want to get married and have kids after all. I knew I had to figure that out, because:
If I married and had kids and really didn't want to, I'd be making a lot of people unhappy.
If I really did want that life, but didn't go out and get it, I'd end up unhappy.
So, for my own happiness...
If I really didn't want that life, I needed to avoid it.
If I did want that life, I needed to take the steps to get there.
I came down on the side of wanting a wife and kids, knowing that it would completely change my life - a life that with which I wasn't dissatisfied. I had seen how the lives of others were changed. I saw the tradeoffs as far as freedom, time, money, and energy, but I figured having a family and the husband-wife and parent-child relationships was worth it.
There must be some sort of brain chemistry that changes when a man becomes a father, especially if he did it intentionally. I think back to finding out we were expecting, and the ultrasounds, and feeling Keelie kicking. I'm still shocked over the profound feelings I had during the delivery and seeing Keelie for the first time. And now, as she isn't so fussy, as she straddles my leg and watches football (she really seems to like football) and makes soft babbles, I realize that I too have been hit by the magic crazy parent spell, where I'm not getting anything else done and not going out anywhere and I'm spending money all over the place... and I don't mind so much because I have this little expensive attention-hungry dependent poop machine in my arms, warming my heart. I would die for her.
I would die for her mother, too – the woman who carried her and gave birth to her, and takes care of her around the clock. I’d heard how much this experience would boost my awe of and love for my wife, and that didn’t seem possible before. Yet, that’s exactly what has happened.
Showing posts with label fatherhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fatherhood. Show all posts
Friday, October 19, 2007
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
My Baby Girl Was Born Five Weeks Ago
I can remember the feeling I got when Kori and I were newlyweds and back from the honeymoon trip, and I was leaving for work and returning from work in a home shared by my wife...just like real a grown up.
Although I had looked forward to being married to Kori and getting to be with her all of the time, I hadn’t looked forward to the “boring” thing of settling down with a real job, the home, and living with someone else for the rest of my life. It wasn’t like I was dreading that - I just hadn’t been looking forward to it in the forefront of my thinking. I just looked at it like a necessity that went along with being married, like having to stop at the gas station in order to go on a road trip... only much more serious and deep than that.
Yet, once I found myself in that position of being the married man going off to work in my tie and returning to a shared home at the end of the work day– standing at that front door - I felt such a feeling of belonging and accomplishment, as if this was the way things were supposed to be.
That feeling was renewed with the pregnancy and birth.
Now that I’m a father, it just seems like “of course... this is the way it is supposed to be” as if it was a given all along – as if the uncertainty if whether or not I would get married and become a father never existed. Of course I would get married and become a father. After all, here I am now.
I’ve agreed out loud many times over the last ten months, and especially the last five weeks, that it is one thing to know something on an intellectual level, but quite a different thing to actually experience it. You can read all of the books and hear all of the stories from friends and family, but you don’t really feel it to the fullest until you experience it.
It is one thing to have a wife – a capable grown woman who has proven to be able to take care of herself - voluntarily changer her life to rely on me. It is quite different to voluntarily bring a baby into the world who now relies on both of us for love, for food, for shelter, for clothing, for health care, for protection, for cleaning, for affection, for teaching her how to survive and thrive in the world, and for her role models.
It is life events like this that cause me feel a deeper connection to my own parents, my sister who has two children with her husband, and other parents in my life. The emotions and perspectives shift. The contemplation of various life issues comes up in the daily thinking. I know studies show the brains of people are literally change when they become parents, and I can believe it, because I have experienced changes.
Suddenly, there is a tangible living legacy and I’m no longer the end of the line, but rather a link in a beautiful chain that I may live to see get even longer. It's a spiritual experience.
If you aren’t a parent (yet), you can understand the words I write. If you are a parent, you’ve probably experienced what I’m saying.
I'm so blessed to have both of these ladies in my life, and so thankful that our families and friends have surrounded us to share in the joy and to assist.
Thank you.
Although I had looked forward to being married to Kori and getting to be with her all of the time, I hadn’t looked forward to the “boring” thing of settling down with a real job, the home, and living with someone else for the rest of my life. It wasn’t like I was dreading that - I just hadn’t been looking forward to it in the forefront of my thinking. I just looked at it like a necessity that went along with being married, like having to stop at the gas station in order to go on a road trip... only much more serious and deep than that.
Yet, once I found myself in that position of being the married man going off to work in my tie and returning to a shared home at the end of the work day– standing at that front door - I felt such a feeling of belonging and accomplishment, as if this was the way things were supposed to be.
That feeling was renewed with the pregnancy and birth.
Now that I’m a father, it just seems like “of course... this is the way it is supposed to be” as if it was a given all along – as if the uncertainty if whether or not I would get married and become a father never existed. Of course I would get married and become a father. After all, here I am now.
I’ve agreed out loud many times over the last ten months, and especially the last five weeks, that it is one thing to know something on an intellectual level, but quite a different thing to actually experience it. You can read all of the books and hear all of the stories from friends and family, but you don’t really feel it to the fullest until you experience it.
It is one thing to have a wife – a capable grown woman who has proven to be able to take care of herself - voluntarily changer her life to rely on me. It is quite different to voluntarily bring a baby into the world who now relies on both of us for love, for food, for shelter, for clothing, for health care, for protection, for cleaning, for affection, for teaching her how to survive and thrive in the world, and for her role models.
It is life events like this that cause me feel a deeper connection to my own parents, my sister who has two children with her husband, and other parents in my life. The emotions and perspectives shift. The contemplation of various life issues comes up in the daily thinking. I know studies show the brains of people are literally change when they become parents, and I can believe it, because I have experienced changes.
Suddenly, there is a tangible living legacy and I’m no longer the end of the line, but rather a link in a beautiful chain that I may live to see get even longer. It's a spiritual experience.
If you aren’t a parent (yet), you can understand the words I write. If you are a parent, you’ve probably experienced what I’m saying.
I'm so blessed to have both of these ladies in my life, and so thankful that our families and friends have surrounded us to share in the joy and to assist.
Thank you.
Saturday, June 02, 2007
Ramblings of an Expectant Father
As I was putting together the latest big update to our blog, I decided that some of my comments were best placed here instead. So, here they are.
Another birthday has come and gone. Birthdays weren’t so much a big deal in my family of origin – don’t get me wrong, we got nice gifts – but in Kori’s family of origin they have traditionally been a big deal. So, it is a great time to pack on extra pounds with celebratory meals. I was treated to a meal out at work, and then there’s the monthly birthday cake. Kendra and Steve took us out to Amazon Brazilian BBQ. That’s one of those places where you have to show up very hungry. I love the alligator. Kori and I had previously gotten together with my mother, Chris, Kim, Mike, Blaine, and Macon to celebrate Mother’s Day, Chris’ birthday, and my birthday together. Kori’s parents also had us over to celebrate my birthday, along with Troy and Toby. Finally, Kori and I went to have some green corn tamales with my dad and Kathleen. It’s nice to be treated so well!
My birthday used to depress me, but ever since I proposed to Kori on my birthday, it can no longer depress me. Good move on my part.
Let’s see… Life is in transition mode as we prepare for Keelie. Typically, four days a week, it seems like all I can do once I get home from work is eat dinner and get ready for bed, and maybe watch a little television. You’d think three days a week off would be enough to catch up on everything, but it hasn’t worked out that way. I purposely moved my 30-minutes-a-day of exercising to the morning, and that has made my days better, even though it has meant getting up half an hour earlier on workdays.
One to two of my days off is/are typically taken up with honey-dos, errands/shopping, appointments, phone calls, and weekly reading. Half of another is taken up with church stuff. No complaints, though – this is a good life.
No complaints are far as having a lot to do, that is. I have plenty of complaints about getting the new desktop computer the way we want it. We’ve had plenty of problems with this thing, which came with Vista, including the machine not being able to get out of sleep mode, and Outlook (or Windows Mail, for that matter) not being able to send messages through AT and T. Even if Mail would work, I can’t transfer all of our contacts to it for some reason. After researching some of the problems myself and not being able to fix them, I spent a lot of time one weekend dealing with the store that sold us the system with Vista loaded (since they have a service for this kind of thing), and then the manufacturer, and then AT and T. In the end, we were referred to Microsoft. Haven’t contacted them yet.
Then there is the migration from our old machines to the new one. I did manage to backup the stuff on the 95 machine on zip disks. Can someone please tell me why Microsoft wants us to keep changing e-mail programs? Internet Mail, Outlook, Windows Mail… pick a program and stick with it, Microsoft!
And why can't I use the ampersand symbol on blogger? Grrr! That meanst I have to write it as "AT and T"
Okay, on to television.
First, a technical complaint. We have Time Warner Cable, which took over for Adelphia in a deal with Comcast after Adelphia went kaput. Some of the channels on our main television get choppy or just one come in at all. We’ve had someone to repair it at least twice, but the problem is still here. I got a call the other day while I was exercising from someone from Time Warner Cable looking to sell me something. Before he could, though, I told him we were unhappy with our service and told him why. There’s no glitch with them charging us every month, though. Imagine that. I have no idea why the guy was calling, because he didn’t bother to tell me after I calmly suggested we might want to switch to AT and T’s new television service. He did ask if the neighbors are having the same sorts of problems. I answered honestly – I don’t know, because I don’t speak Spanish.
Okay, now on to content.
Unlike a lot of the other people, we did watch The Apprentice this past season. If they come back for another season, that show needs an actor to be a mole on each team. Think about it – Trump and his kids could know who the moles are, and thus avoid firing them until late in the game, but nobody else would know (except the audience) that there are even moles on the show. They can use the justification that in the business world, you sometimes have to work with jerks. The actors can be offered a bonus if nobody ever figures it out or accuses them of being a mole. We also still watch each season of Survivor. I think it is time they amped that show up… maybe pit a tribe of law enforcement people up against ex-cons, or some other groups with known rivalries/animosities. Palestinians against Israelis? Democrats vs. Republicans? East Coast vs. West Coast? Americans-since-birth vs. naturalized Americans? North Americans vs. Europeans?
We also still watch American Idol, but it got boring this past season after that VoteFortheWorst candidate got the boot.
The Soup is a guilty pleasure that always makes me laugh.
Law and Order SVU is addicting, even when it plays to religious or political stereotypes. The writers must get tired, as evidenced when a bunch of the characters are sitting around in a room discussing a crime and they sound like they are delivering a monologue, only the lines have been distributed amongst them. Hey, I’m not throwing stones - it isn’t like I have anything on TV. But once… just once… I’d like Stabler to answer his cell phone while Benson talks to someone and NOT have the call conveniently have something to do with the case they are working on that moves them on to the next location.
For example:
Oh well… television airtime is valuable.
Speaking of Special Victims, I catch some of those Dateline NBC episodes that are all about predators who use the Internet to set up meetings with decoys they think are 13-year-olds. That’s fascinating stuff, I don’t care how edited it is. Some people cite ethical problems with the production of the show, other people are upset that predators are being lured to their neighborhoods. Controversial stuff, to be sure.
Kori and I also watch Identity, 1 vs. 100, Jeopardy, and reruns of The Simpsons. Kori watches more TV than I do, programs such as Heroes, The Amazing Race, American’s Next Top Model, Dancing with the Stars, The People’s Court, and Dr. Phil.
Kori also seems to watch a lot of those true-crime show that take a whole hour detailing how one spouse killed the other, went on trial, and was convicted. What do you think - should I be worried?
It will be interesting to see how our viewing habits change after Keelie is born. Everything is supposed to change, right? Parents tell expectant parents that their how life will change, that everything gets more complicated, that everything is much more a hassle, that time, energy, money, and sleep will be short, and all sorts of other downsides... yet they also tell us "It's the best thing in the world!" Let me get this straight... we'll be frustrated, depressed zombies with no money and no lives, but it's a good thing anyway. Hmmm. That can only mean one thing... kids really are gifts with amazing powers.
In all seriousness, we expect life to be completely different. We made the decision to become parents consciously, and while no set of books or seeing siblings and friends with their own kids could really prepare us, we know we volunteered for this life change.
That’s all for now. Keep me updated on what you are up to.
Another birthday has come and gone. Birthdays weren’t so much a big deal in my family of origin – don’t get me wrong, we got nice gifts – but in Kori’s family of origin they have traditionally been a big deal. So, it is a great time to pack on extra pounds with celebratory meals. I was treated to a meal out at work, and then there’s the monthly birthday cake. Kendra and Steve took us out to Amazon Brazilian BBQ. That’s one of those places where you have to show up very hungry. I love the alligator. Kori and I had previously gotten together with my mother, Chris, Kim, Mike, Blaine, and Macon to celebrate Mother’s Day, Chris’ birthday, and my birthday together. Kori’s parents also had us over to celebrate my birthday, along with Troy and Toby. Finally, Kori and I went to have some green corn tamales with my dad and Kathleen. It’s nice to be treated so well!
My birthday used to depress me, but ever since I proposed to Kori on my birthday, it can no longer depress me. Good move on my part.
Let’s see… Life is in transition mode as we prepare for Keelie. Typically, four days a week, it seems like all I can do once I get home from work is eat dinner and get ready for bed, and maybe watch a little television. You’d think three days a week off would be enough to catch up on everything, but it hasn’t worked out that way. I purposely moved my 30-minutes-a-day of exercising to the morning, and that has made my days better, even though it has meant getting up half an hour earlier on workdays.
One to two of my days off is/are typically taken up with honey-dos, errands/shopping, appointments, phone calls, and weekly reading. Half of another is taken up with church stuff. No complaints, though – this is a good life.
No complaints are far as having a lot to do, that is. I have plenty of complaints about getting the new desktop computer the way we want it. We’ve had plenty of problems with this thing, which came with Vista, including the machine not being able to get out of sleep mode, and Outlook (or Windows Mail, for that matter) not being able to send messages through AT and T. Even if Mail would work, I can’t transfer all of our contacts to it for some reason. After researching some of the problems myself and not being able to fix them, I spent a lot of time one weekend dealing with the store that sold us the system with Vista loaded (since they have a service for this kind of thing), and then the manufacturer, and then AT and T. In the end, we were referred to Microsoft. Haven’t contacted them yet.
Then there is the migration from our old machines to the new one. I did manage to backup the stuff on the 95 machine on zip disks. Can someone please tell me why Microsoft wants us to keep changing e-mail programs? Internet Mail, Outlook, Windows Mail… pick a program and stick with it, Microsoft!
And why can't I use the ampersand symbol on blogger? Grrr! That meanst I have to write it as "AT and T"
Okay, on to television.
First, a technical complaint. We have Time Warner Cable, which took over for Adelphia in a deal with Comcast after Adelphia went kaput. Some of the channels on our main television get choppy or just one come in at all. We’ve had someone to repair it at least twice, but the problem is still here. I got a call the other day while I was exercising from someone from Time Warner Cable looking to sell me something. Before he could, though, I told him we were unhappy with our service and told him why. There’s no glitch with them charging us every month, though. Imagine that. I have no idea why the guy was calling, because he didn’t bother to tell me after I calmly suggested we might want to switch to AT and T’s new television service. He did ask if the neighbors are having the same sorts of problems. I answered honestly – I don’t know, because I don’t speak Spanish.
Okay, now on to content.
Unlike a lot of the other people, we did watch The Apprentice this past season. If they come back for another season, that show needs an actor to be a mole on each team. Think about it – Trump and his kids could know who the moles are, and thus avoid firing them until late in the game, but nobody else would know (except the audience) that there are even moles on the show. They can use the justification that in the business world, you sometimes have to work with jerks. The actors can be offered a bonus if nobody ever figures it out or accuses them of being a mole. We also still watch each season of Survivor. I think it is time they amped that show up… maybe pit a tribe of law enforcement people up against ex-cons, or some other groups with known rivalries/animosities. Palestinians against Israelis? Democrats vs. Republicans? East Coast vs. West Coast? Americans-since-birth vs. naturalized Americans? North Americans vs. Europeans?
We also still watch American Idol, but it got boring this past season after that VoteFortheWorst candidate got the boot.
The Soup is a guilty pleasure that always makes me laugh.
Law and Order SVU is addicting, even when it plays to religious or political stereotypes. The writers must get tired, as evidenced when a bunch of the characters are sitting around in a room discussing a crime and they sound like they are delivering a monologue, only the lines have been distributed amongst them. Hey, I’m not throwing stones - it isn’t like I have anything on TV. But once… just once… I’d like Stabler to answer his cell phone while Benson talks to someone and NOT have the call conveniently have something to do with the case they are working on that moves them on to the next location.
For example:
Benson: “What was that call about? Is the DNA a match?”
Stable: “What? Oh, uh no. I’m supposed to meet up with one of
the kids to sign some paperwork.”
Oh well… television airtime is valuable.
Speaking of Special Victims, I catch some of those Dateline NBC episodes that are all about predators who use the Internet to set up meetings with decoys they think are 13-year-olds. That’s fascinating stuff, I don’t care how edited it is. Some people cite ethical problems with the production of the show, other people are upset that predators are being lured to their neighborhoods. Controversial stuff, to be sure.
Kori and I also watch Identity, 1 vs. 100, Jeopardy, and reruns of The Simpsons. Kori watches more TV than I do, programs such as Heroes, The Amazing Race, American’s Next Top Model, Dancing with the Stars, The People’s Court, and Dr. Phil.
Kori also seems to watch a lot of those true-crime show that take a whole hour detailing how one spouse killed the other, went on trial, and was convicted. What do you think - should I be worried?
It will be interesting to see how our viewing habits change after Keelie is born. Everything is supposed to change, right? Parents tell expectant parents that their how life will change, that everything gets more complicated, that everything is much more a hassle, that time, energy, money, and sleep will be short, and all sorts of other downsides... yet they also tell us "It's the best thing in the world!" Let me get this straight... we'll be frustrated, depressed zombies with no money and no lives, but it's a good thing anyway. Hmmm. That can only mean one thing... kids really are gifts with amazing powers.
In all seriousness, we expect life to be completely different. We made the decision to become parents consciously, and while no set of books or seeing siblings and friends with their own kids could really prepare us, we know we volunteered for this life change.
That’s all for now. Keep me updated on what you are up to.
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